Boundaries: the what, why and how
Let’s talk about boundaries. We all know that boundaries are supposed to be good for our mental health, but we often find them really hard to put in place. Part of this challenge may come from a misunderstanding or misrepresentation about what they are, why they’re important, and how to implement them. So let’s discuss.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the rules and limits that we create for ourselves as we interact with the world. They are important because they help us protect our mental, physical, and emotional well-being, which allows us to have more space and energy for the relationships and things we value.
Why would I want to make changes with boundaries in my life?
Maybe you often feel like you are taken advantage of by others, or you over-commit your time. Maybe you have a hard time saying “no”. Maybe you notice you are feeling burnt-out or overwhelmed by constantly putting other people’s needs before your own.
There are many reasons why we may want to make changes with boundaries in our lives, with the overall goal being an improved sense of well-being. And also many ways we can start to implement them. Below are 5 main types of boundaries that we can start to utilize to help us feel safe, secure, and respected within all areas of our lives.
Physical boundaries: This includes your physical space, your comfort with physical touch, and your body’s physical needs of sleep, food, and water. Think of this like your personal bubble. These boundaries are essential for us to feel safe.
You might communicate this boundary by saying:
“Do not touch me like that.”
“I don’t really like hugs. How about we shake hands.”
“Please knock on my door before entering my space.”
Emotional boundaries: This includes your emotional needs and limits at any time. We cannot show up emotionally healthy at all times and that’s okay. These boundaries help us respect that we cannot handle everyone else’s emotions at all times and that maybe we need specific types of support at others.
You might communicate this by saying:
“I really want to listen to what’s going on for you but I just don’t have the mental energy right now. How about we talk later?”
“I cannot communicate my feelings to you if you respond by yelling at me.”
“I’m feeling really sad and just need someone to listen rather than to give advice.”
Time boundaries: This includes prioritizing or limiting how your time is spent between family, work, home, socially, and alone. Your time is valuable to you and those in your life. These boundaries help us utilize and respect our time in a way that is healthiest for us.
You may communicate this by saying:
“I have alone time scheduled for that evening. How about the night after?”
“It’s my lunch break now so I’m going to respond to those emails when I’m done.”
“I have so much going on today. How about a rain check?”
Sexual boundaries: This includes consent, mutual agreement and excitement, understanding and communication of preferences, and privacy. Sexuality can be extremely intimate and vulnerable and these boundaries help keep it safe for everyone involved.
You may communicate this by saying:
“I want to have sex with you today. Are you in the mood also?”
“I would prefer that you kept any details about our sex life private please.”
“I prefer when we cuddle after sex rather than using our phones.”
“No.”
Material Boundaries: This includes who we let use our possessions, how our possessions can be used, and can be about money, clothing, our personal belongings and more. Our stuff can be an extension of who we are and it’s healthy to have standards and expectations of how it should be treated.
You may communicate this by saying:
“You can wear my dress for tonight but please do your best to not stain it and wash it before you give it back.”
“I would prefer if you didn’t touch that.”
“Because you lost my charger last time, I’m not comfortable with letting you use it again.”
While there are many more types of boundaries, these 5 offer the basis of a safe and happy life. Boundaries look unique to all of us and may take time to perfect. The clearer you can express your boundary, the higher the likelihood the other person will respect it. However, it’s important to understand that just because we communicate a boundary clearly, doesn’t guarantee that the other person will respect it. Throughout the process of setting boundaries, it’s important to show yourself compassion and grace, especially if it is a new territory that you are navigating.
For help in curating what boundaries work for you and how you can use them to reclaim your time, energy, and mental well-being, schedule a free consultation with Sunlight Psychotherapy today.
Written by Samantha R. Kishner, MHC-LP for Sunlight Psychotherapy.
Reviewed by Jenice Acosta, LCSW
